Why Creating Space As A Single Mum Feels So Overwhelming (And Where To Start)

Just the idea of creating some space as a single mum can be overwhelming, let alone actually making it happen. You are already carrying an invisible load and what? Now you somehow have to find time to fill your own cup too? Doesn’t that just sound way too exhausting to even try?

I get it, I really do. But I also know that nothing changes if nothing changes, as the saying goes.

Let’s talk a bit about what’s actually going on in your brain. You have one or more children who are your lifeblood. More than anything, you want them to be safe, happy and healthy. You pour everything you have into making that happen and like many single mums, including me once upon a time, you don’t give a second thought to making sure you are safe, happy and healthy.

So your brain is no longer scanning for any opportunities to do that. It is only on the lookout for solutions that are focused on your kids. And it will actually show you “evidence” of why you can’t do anything for you.

I want to stop here and say that this is a completely natural thing to do. As mothers, of course we want the best for our kids. However, I think we have all heard the analogy of putting on your oxygen mask before your kids...and there is a very good reason for that.

Then why is it so hard for us to do that?

When Your Needs Stop Being Part Of The Picture

It has a lot to do with mindset and what society has taught us along the way. Our first thought when we think about doing something for ourselves is usually “selfish”. And then maybe we feel guilty, especially if that means there is something our kids might miss out on.

Pretty soon we are snowballing into all the things our kids “miss out on” simply because we are single mums.

Yikes.

I mean, no wonder you can’t even come up with one way to make more time for yourself when there are so many obstacles already in your way.

What if then, instead of seeing the idea of making time for yourself as a luxury (or something you do when the kids are older), you actually believed that it is essential to ensuring that your kids are happy, healthy and safe?

Bear with me, I know I’m challenging some very deeply held beliefs around what it means to be a mum… but think about it for a moment.

In many ways, you are all your kids have.

They rely on you for everything.
They look to you for guidance every step of the way.
They would be lost without you.

How can you be all these things if you don’t look after yourself?

What Your Kids Learn From How You Show Up

And let’s think for a moment about what it means to be their role model — the one they look up to for guidance every step of the way…

If you are burning yourself out, doing everything for everyone else, then you know what’s going to happen as they get older?

They will believe that’s how you be a good person, you do everything for everyone else…not yourself.

Do you want that for your kids? Of course you don’t.

And of course you aren’t knowingly doing this for those reasons, quite the opposite. But this is the reality.

When you take the time to fill your cup, your kids will initially be unsure and probably push back, especially if it means there are some changes. This is natural.

It doesn’t mean that they are negatively impacted, but like all of us, when we are presented with change, our brains fire off signals that we are in danger.

Whether we like it or not, our brains are still carrying those primitive features of fight or flight to keep us from being eaten by a tiger, which, thankfully, is no longer a threat…unless you plan on entering the enclosure at the zoo on your next visit.

Creating Space Doesn’t Have To Be Complicated

Jokes aside, if you want your kids to grow up feeling like they can do anything, and that they should make themselves a priority, you need to do that too.

And when you do, you are going to feel so much calmer and more at peace, because you are filling your cup.

That will only make you better at showing up for your kids in any situation.

So if this feels like something you are willing to commit to, let’s keep things simple.

The focus here is about creating some mental space first, before attempting to add anything else, because that will just feel too overwhelming.

Grab a notebook or pad that you can dedicate simply to writing down anything that bothers you in the moment.

This could be as big as you want it to be, but don’t forget the little things like:

“I hate it when there are always clothes on the floor in the kids’ bedroom.”

Write it all down. Not all at once, but every time something comes up.

The reason for doing this is not to create a long list of problems, but because:

It gets it out of your head.

Anything that you can put on paper and out of your head will stop you from spiralling...and that’s a good thing.

You can return to it and eventually find a solution.

Often when we experience something we don’t like, we deal with it in the moment…and then it disappears until it happens again. By writing it down, we make it visible and something to come back to when we have the space to think more clearly.

You might feel initially like this is insignificant and won’t change anything…

But I promise you, this is the beginning of creating more space for you as a single mum.

I’m in the process of getting ready to launch a program for single mums like you that will go deeper into this, along with how to parent in a calmer way.

Before I finalise everything, I would really love to hear from you:

What is the ONE thing you would want to know about parenting as a single mum?

Send me an email with your question or idea.  I read and respond to every message I receive.

Much love

Tanya x