The Calm Comeback: Learning to Regulate Your Nervous System as a Single Mum

Last night both my boys got up a couple of times during the night.

They’re often unsettled when they come back home after spending time with their dad, and as I lay there listening for the next set of footsteps down the hallway, I could feel my anxiety rising.

Not because they might wake.

But because I knew I didn’t have control over it.

I found myself thinking about all the years I struggled with my boys waking through the night. Back then, every disruption felt like something I needed to fix. And the more it felt out of my control, the more anxious I became.

Lying there last night, something struck me.

"Even with everything I know now about regulating my nervous system and living a calmer, more peaceful life, there will still be moments where I feel dysregulated."

And that’s completely normal.

Especially if you’ve experienced past trauma in childhood or in a relationship. But even if you haven’t, the truth is that as human beings we are not designed to stay in a perfectly calm state all the time.

We ebb and flow.

And that’s when I remembered something that stayed with me from Gabby Bernstein’s book The Universe Has Your Back (I highly recommend it).

She talks about the comeback.

Not the idea of staying calm all the time.

But how quickly you can come back to calm after being knocked out of it.

And for me, that idea changed everything.

For a long time, I thought calm meant learning how to stay regulated all the time. I thought it meant reaching a place where things didn’t trigger me anymore.

But that’s not how our nervous systems work.

Life happens. Our kids wake in the night. Plans change. Emotions run high. Sometimes old wounds get touched without us even realising it.

"Dysregulation is part of being human."

The real work isn’t about preventing it completely.

It’s about learning how to find your way back.

And strangely enough, understanding this can actually help you feel calmer.

Because one of the things that often gets in the way, especially as a single mum, is the story we start telling ourselves when we feel dysregulated.

Why can’t I stay calm?
What’s wrong with me?
Everyone else seems to manage this better than I do.
Maybe I’m just damaged goods.

Those thoughts can spiral quickly.

But when you begin to understand that dysregulation is normal, something shifts. Instead of fighting the feeling or trying to force it away, you can simply notice it.

You can sit with what you’re experiencing without trying to control the narrative around it.

That doesn’t mean you have to like it.

I certainly don’t.

But I do know that it will pass.

And that knowing alone softens the moment.

For me, that comeback often starts with something very simple.

Sometimes it’s taking a few slow breaths (exactly what I did last night).

Sometimes it’s stepping outside for a moment and feeling the air on my skin.

And sometimes it’s through art making. Letting my hands move across a page, allowing colour, shape, or movement to express what my body is holding before my mind has even made sense of it.

These small moments help my nervous system settle again.

Not instantly.

But enough.

Enough for my shoulders to drop.

Enough for my breath to soften.

Enough for me to return to a place where I can respond rather than react.

And that’s really the goal.

Not perfection.

Not staying calm all the time.

But learning how to come back.

"Because when we learn how to come back to calm more quickly, everything begins to change."

We pause before reacting.

We recover more easily from emotional moments.

And our children get to experience a version of us that feels steadier and more connected, even when things aren’t perfect.

If you’re reading this and recognising yourself in those moments of dysregulation, please know that nothing has gone wrong.

Your nervous system is doing exactly what it was designed to do.

And learning the art of the comeback is something we can practice.

One breath, one moment, one small step at a time.

Because calm isn’t about never getting knocked out of balance.

It’s about knowing how to find your way back.

This is one of the reasons I integrate grounding and art therapy practices into the work I do with single mums. These simple practices help you reconnect with your body so you can find your way back to calm more easily.

If you’d like a gentle place to begin, you can start with my free guide.

Much love,
Tanya x