The Three Anchors That Helped Me Survive Rock Bottom as a Single Mum

Have you ever been asked, “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
And found yourself wondering what job you might have, or who you might be with?

If someone had asked me that question five years ago, I would have simply hoped that my boys and I were alive, with a roof over our heads. At the time, I had no capacity to imagine anything beyond survival.

Not even in my wildest dreams could I have imagined my life as it is now.

You see, it was only a few weeks earlier that I had raced my car out of the driveway, purposely swiping the entire left side as I connected with a street post and proceeded to accelerate down the road with no intention of ever returning.

I had lost all hope after yet another screaming match with my husband at the time. Thankfully, the boys weren’t home, and even more thankfully, I decided to return without further damage to the car or myself.

I didn’t think I could hit any lower. You know how they talk about rock bottom? Well, this felt like rock bottom had a basement, and the basement had a floor that I was hiding under.

It’s true what they say, sometimes it takes hitting rock bottom to finally muster up the courage to choose something different.

That choice was divorce.

I walked away from my 17-year marriage, something I never dreamed I would do, even if you had asked me just a few weeks earlier. The pain that followed in the many months after was all-consuming. And yet, I still needed to be present for my boys. Without a doubt, it was the most challenging time of my life.

Even now, I look back and wonder how I did it.

But when I really reflect on what mattered most, I can clearly identify three things that made all the difference. They are still very much a part of how I live my life now as a single mum.

They are my anchors, and I wanted to share them with you, in the hope that they might also become yours. Perhaps they will help you feel a little more held as you navigate what I like to call the messy parts of life.

The Anchors That Held Me Through

I don’t think I can really put these in order, as they each play an important role no matter which way I look at them.

Support network

It is so important to have support, especially as a single mum, and that support can look very different for each of us. For me, my own mum lives in another country so I rely on other supports. For someone else, their mum may be their only support.

One of the most important things I have learned, particularly over the last few years, is that support doesn’t always appear unless you ask for help. If you are anything like me, or like I was, asking for help has never come easily. But it is essential.

Help can come in many forms, and you may be surprised by how much support becomes available when you open your mind and heart to the possibility. Even being part of a community of like-minded women can make a profound difference, which is why I’m so grateful to be sharing this space with you.

If asking for help feels hard, try something small. It’s a gentle way to practise receiving and to let your nervous system know that this is safe.

Kindness

We talk a lot about being kind to others, and goodness knows the world needs it. But here, I’m talking specifically about kindness towards yourself.

It’s so easy to blame yourself, as a woman, as a mum, but the only person you’re hurting is you. And self-blame doesn’t actually help you do better. In fact, it often keeps you stuck in familiar patterns because your brain clings to what it knows, even when it’s not healthy.

I’ve heard many times that we need to love ourselves, but that has never felt very accessible for me. What has helped is practising kindness instead. I’m good at being kind to others, so when I catch myself being harsh, I ask, What would I say to a friend right now?

Even when the little voice pipes up with, “But this is different. You should do better,” I try to choose differently. I choose kindness. And you’d be surprised how much shifts when you cut yourself a little slack (even when your little pesky voice won’t shut up).

You don’t need to transform overnight. Just take small steps. Use words you would offer a friend, and offer them to yourself, out loud or on paper.

Expressing Emotions Changes Everything

When this last anchor is in place, it becomes so much easier to access the first two.

Expressing how we feel should be taught in schools, but until then, I’m committed to supporting as many single mums as I can to do this. Not as a luxury, but as a necessity if you want to live a life that feels calmer and more peaceful.

And the beautiful thing is that when you learn to express emotions safely, you’re also teaching your children to do the same.

I’m probably biased, but I truly believe art therapy is one of the simplest ways to express emotions, for adults and children alike. And no, it’s not about being artistic. It’s not just painting or arts and crafts.

Art therapy can include breath work, body connection, movement, writing. The list goes on. I understand that it can feel overwhelming at first, which is why I’ve created a free guide that walks you through a simple three-step creative process designed especially for single mums.

All you need is pen and paper. No fancy supplies required.

Try the 3-step practice today

I’d love to hear what comes up for you when you give it a go. Even five minutes can make a difference.

And finally, I just want you to know, I’m always here for the conversations. The highs, the lows, and everything in between that comes with single motherhood.  You can message me here, anytime.

Much love

Tanya x