Why Single Mums Feel So Overwhelmed When Kids Won't Listen (And What's Really Going On)

I've been taking a bit of a trip down memory lane lately. And it got me thinking a lot about some of the challenges I faced when I first became a single mum.

I was on my own, in the middle of COVID, with my two boys in a tiny two-bedroom apartment. I would often stop and wonder how on earth I managed to get here.

One of the biggest challenges was getting the kids to listen to me. It wasn't that they never listened, but there were moments that were extremely challenging. Most notably, trying to get my oldest son out of bed for school.

Every morning I felt this dread wash over me as I walked toward his room and attempted to motivate him to get moving. For many months we really struggled with school refusal, and my heart goes out to anyone experiencing this. I wouldn't wish it on anyone, now that I've been through it myself.

The Fear Underneath the Struggle

On the surface, the battle was getting my son to school. And that was hard enough. But underneath that, there was so much more going on.

One of my deepest fears was that my boys would stop listening to me altogether and that I would lose control of everything. And because I was doing it alone, I felt like I couldn't rely on anyone around me for support. Was that fear rational? At the time, I truly believed so. But now I can see clearly that as their mum, I am what my boys rely on. I am their safe place. I am their role model.

It's so easy to see our kids' pushing back, and in some cases flat-out refusal, as a personal attack. But nine times out of ten, our kids are struggling. They're not trying to manipulate us or be disrespectful. They're communicating the only way they know how.

For a long time I fell into the trap of expecting my boys to respond the way I would. If I asked them to do something, surely they'd just do it because they'd know it was what was needed. But our kids are still developing the rational part of their brain. They simply can't rationalise the way we can. And on top of that, their nervous systems are far more reliant on ours than we often realise. That's why co-regulation matters so much.

When kids push back, it's often the only way they know how to feel safe because it helps them get a clear picture of where their boundaries are. Yes, it can become a pattern. But it is also possible to break the cycle.

When Understanding Isn't Enough

I get it though. When you're in the middle of it, having someone explain why your kids react the way they do doesn't always make it easier to get through the moment. And if you're anything like I was, it feels like pure dread.

But that dread is actually telling you something important. Your body doesn't feel safe. You're experiencing dysregulation and it's quite possible that it has been building for a very long time.

What Actually Needs to Change

This is why I am so passionate about supporting single mums to reconnect with their body. All the parenting advice in the world isn't going to help if your body doesn't feel safe first. I've learned this the hard way and I hope that means you don't have to.

Because when you feel settled, everything shifts. Not just how you respond to your kids, but how they feel around you. And that changes everything.

I'd love to hear what's coming up for you as you read this. What are the moments that feel hardest right now? Feel free to reach out and share what you're experiencing. You can get in touch with me directly here.  I read and respond to every message personally.

Much love

Tanya x