Why a Pile of Dishes Sent Me Straight Back to My Marriage

Five years after leaving my marriage as a single mum, I made the leap to move in with my partner. Last week, something happened that triggered me more than I have been in a long time.

On this particular night, I was exhausted. My partner had actually offered to make dinner so I could rest. But I decided I wanted to do something different instead, which, looking back, probably wasn't the wisest call on a day I had nothing left in the tank.

I came downstairs and the kitchen was a mess. Dishes everywhere. My partner had only just said moments earlier, "I wanted to help you out by cooking dinner because I knew you were tired." And my immediate thought was, well, why haven't you come down here and done this?

I went back upstairs and confronted him. And almost instantly, I was spiralling. Fight and flight, full throttle. I wasn't seeing my partner anymore. I was seeing my ex. None of the details matched. My partner wasn't saying or doing anything like my ex would have. But that's all my body could register.

Rationally I Knew. My Body Didn't.

It can be so easy to assume that if you do all the work, you know how to regulate your nervous system, you understand and are aware of what's going on in your body, that you shouldn't still feel really intense emotions and feel like you're falling apart at times. But it's actually because you're just very aware of what's going on in your body, and just being human.

I walked away crying. All I felt was, I don't want to be the one carrying the load. I don't want to have to ask you to help. I want you to just be there. But underneath that, I wasn't thinking any of it clearly. I was just trying to survive the moment.

Even though rationally I knew I was faced with a different circumstance, I was literally just feeling like I was back there. I was in this moment. My vagus nerve was triggered. I was a complete mess.

My brain was going danger, danger, danger, and no amount of telling myself to "get it together" worked, because my rational brain had gone offline. What actually helped wasn't logic. It was calming my nervous system and letting my body know I was safe.

Much love

Tanya x