Why Forcing Yourself to Feel Better Doesn’t Work: A Single Mum’s Experience with Anxiety

About a week ago, I was sitting on my couch, tears streaming down my face, wondering how I’d managed to get to such a low point. As a single mum, I’ve become familiar with anxiety, but this time, it felt heavier than usual. In the week prior, I’d started to notice my anxiety building in a way that felt hard to settle.

I’m very much aware that I often experience emotional triggers when my boys return home after spending time with their dad (but that’s a story for another day). This time though, it felt really horrible and I didn’t know why.

I could name the feelings I was having in my body and I was doing all the things I know work when it comes to helping my body feel safe. It wasn’t until I looked back, however, that I was able to clearly see the one thing I had overlooked. The one thing that really matters.

The Realisation That Made Me Feel Like a Fraud

I had been so focused on understanding why I was feeling the way I was, that I hadn’t simply given myself the space to sit with the emotions (at least not fully anyway). I didn’t give them room to move through my body.

I was forcing them instead. I wanted to rush through, get to the other side. Anything to take this aching feeling from my body and hopefully never feel it again.

Oh, I felt like such a fraud once I realised what I had been doing. After all, this is the exact “stuff” I work through with my clients. Creating space to express emotions through the art-making process, through the body, in a safe space.  Simply put, it’s my thing.

But I’m human. And as a human, I’m flawed. And I’m betting that, like me, anytime you’re feeling big emotions, the first thing you think is “no, not again” or “I just can’t deal with this anymore” — or perhaps some other variation of this, with profanities added in for good measure.

The point is, you don’t want to feel awful, and it’s completely natural to want that feeling to go away and never come back again. That is precisely why I was trying to understand the why, rather than accepting my feelings for what they were: a part of my human experience.

How Art-Making Created Safety Before the Tears Came

There was, however, something I did do that led to the tears (tears which finally gave way to the relief I’d been looking for).

Once again, this was only clear to me in hindsight, and it’s the main reason I’m sharing this with you. It doesn’t seem to matter how many times I witness it, or experience it for myself; I’m always amazed by what the art therapy process uncovers.

A couple of days before the tears came flooding in, I’d begun doing some art-making because I was feeling really stuck with certain aspects of my business. I’ll admit, I was overwhelmed. It was, of course, all related, but at the time I wanted to focus on what was top of mind for me.

I began by looking back through my art journal at some recent work. I did some colouring, cutting, and rearranging. The image you see here captures a moment from that process. I wrote down some keywords I associated with the image and then, rather than trying to logically figure any of it out, I put it away, giving myself time and space before revisiting it.

I did feel lighter afterwards. It brought some comfort to that overwhelmed part of me. But before long, I could feel the anxiety creeping back in.

Letting the Emotions Move Instead of Forcing Them Away

So fast forward to the moment I was sitting on the couch. I’d given up trying to force myself to feel better and instead took a moment to simply be with my emotions. I was exhausted. I remembered the advice I give to so many other single mums: be kind to yourself. And before long, the floodgates opened.

That moment, however, wasn’t possible until I had first expressed some of the overwhelm I was carrying during the art-making process two days earlier. It gave my nervous system a chance to regulate. It created enough safety for my body to feel supported again, which my brain needed in order to know that it was okay to be vulnerable.

It really doesn’t matter how many years I’ve been doing this, there is always something to learn. And I hope that by sharing this, it’s been helpful to you too.

Can you relate to this?

I’d love to hear your thoughts. You can email me here.

Much love,
Tanya x